New Feature: Royal Treatment

Category: By Christian
Even though I have only had time to attend a single Royals game so far this year, I feel it is my responsibility to chronicle a year in the life of a Royals season ticket holder. In my defense, I have been a better Royals fan this year. Their ESPN page is bookmarked on my Firefox shortcut bar, I have followed them better on TV and the radio, and I have the pitching rotation memorized. Good job me.

Though I must admit...I felt a little burned on Saturday as I sat in row E of section 316.

Early in the game, our interest was piqued by our favorite between inning feature: Kiss Cam. If you haven't been to a professional sporting event in the past 5 years, you are missing out. Cameras scan the crowd looking for unsuspecting couples to put up on the scoreboard, with the expectation that the couples will share a heartwarming smooch. It's really sweet. And sometimes comedic when people who are not in a kiss-appropriate relationship.

Stacy and I have always wanted to be on Kiss Cam. What a great opportunity to publicly express our love for each other. Alas, the cameras never scan our section, and we are left to simply cheer for other cute couples.

On Saturday, it seemed as though the Kiss Gods were finally going to smile upon us. Three different couples showed up o the kiss cam. Surely, we would be next. We were clearly smitten Royals fans as we cuddled under our new Royals stadium blanket. It was about to be our One Shining Moment.

But then Kiss Cam ended. There would be no smooch for the Dashiell's. If you'll pardon my french: poop on a stick. To add insult to injury, the young lady behind us got on kiss cam. She proceeded to whip out her cell phone and call every person in her phone book to let them know that she was on kiss cam. It was disgusting. You would have thought she had just gotten engaged or something.

I was soooo jealous. I wanted to turn around and yell, "Oh! Look at me! I was on kiss cam! I'm so special! I'm a completely inconsiderate person who doesn't take into consideration the fact that other people around me are really crushed right now, and I'm rubbing salt in their wounds." I would have done it, too. I just didn't think I could keep myself from bawling.

As I sulked my way through the next half inning, I realized something. There is a camera positioned just inside the foul pole on the third base line that points right at our section. Holla atcha boy! The way I see it, we have a great opportunity to be on Kiss Cam later on in the year. Not only that, but we would later discover that a new addition to the Royals between-inning entertainment is the all-new Crazy Hair Cam.

Light Bulb!

I am the proud owner of an afro wig, a blond mullet wig and a Napoleon Dynamite mask. You can bet your bottom that those three accessories will be rotated through my wardrobe for each and every Royals game I attend this year. It is my new personal goal to have my ugly mug flashed up on that jumbotron more than any other person this season. Should you have any wigs/masks that might help in my quest for glory and greatness, I would love to borrow them.

I dare say, this particular slight may end up being the best thing to ever happen to me.

Fair Dinkum

1 comment so far.

  1. adam paul 11:59 AM
    i would like to humbly inform you that i have won the Pizza Hut Seat Upgrade on three different occasions, and have won the dance off.

    my neighbor was there for two of them. he now calls me "Hollywood".

    they dont do that anymore though. the garth brooks segment is fun. the dudes mowing the lawn is lame.

    go relish.

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